[ it takes him a full fifteen seconds to even respond, just lost in the memory. lost in the feeling of tiny animals in his hands, of his father's voice, his instructions. lost in the feeling of having his breathing constricted, of the white collar snapped around his neck, of -
stop. a spark jitters across his knuckles, away from shenhe the duck, who bites his hand very suddenly and snaps him out of it, visibly.
he stares for a second, trying to process. ]
... Yes.
[ he says, slowly. to the last question. ] He was mine, for a very short time.
[ oh baby duckhe... just like her namesake. eiden doesn't try to reach out for him yet, it feels too raw still. he remembers him coming back from that stupid egg adventure, remembers the lurid necklace of bruises around his throat.
he gives him the time to process, a sort of sacred silence for him before he speaks. ]
You protected him... [ he did what he could, he rescued yiguo, and even though he was forced to enact cruelty just like his father, made to survive, to sink or swim, to breathe at the cost of another living thing... ] Fei Du... I hope you see... that that's something your father can't take away from you. That defiance, I... [ the way he holds the small baby duck now, the way he'd even held eiden's shoulder by the lake. he curls his fingers into his palms... he wants to say more.
but then there's another memory and when this happens, by the end of it, there are tears in eiden's eyes, his hands loose by his sides as he has to witness yakumo nearly being taken again...
[ it makes him so uncomfortable, to hear someone say that. your father can't take that from you. acknowledging it in the first place, that he's been broken into pieces when he's worked so hard to hold his mask in perfect place, makes him feel shame, more than anything else. eiden's right. the words are sweet, but it doesn't feel any better to know that one more person was allowed to tear into fei du and rip his shield off piece by piece, without his permission.
fei du doesn't show it, though. his only reaction is his lips pressed together in a thin line, and he gives a brief nod, looking for all the world like he might bolt.
on one hand, the memshare dissolves all of those feelings entirely, so that's good. on the other hand - it's horrible, especially in the context of last week. he watches the cult with indifference, but when he sees yakumo, he has a bad idea of where it might be going, and when it goes exactly where he thinks, he has to close his eyes briefly as the memory ends.
... but afterwards, he reaches out first, and this time catches his shoulder to squeeze it, tight. i'm right here, if nonverbal. ]
[ eiden has never been good at saying the right thing, and frankly, if he knew, he would probably dismiss himself immediately too out of sheer shame. but he doesn't know that he's made him so uncomfortable in this way. instead, he's just going to stand there because he's too over-taken with having to see yakumo again, yakumo promising to protect him, yakumo swearing to save him. he trembles a little bit as the memory fades, back-to-back breathlessness and a knife to the back.
he swears he can smell it all on the air too. the blood, wrong. instead he just swallows, his fingers twitching just a little bit as the memory finally ends and eiden is left wishing he could still see into the dark, the writhing mass of yakumo's essence like salvation.
he just shakes his head a little. ]
Sorry.
[ the pig did it, you clown.
but this isn't about the pig. because it does feel like a knife just ripping open your skull and foisting whatever is there onto other people. ]
[ no this is much better please ignore anything about fei du ever
when he apologizes is when fei du does move. he reaches out, and after a moment, will very gently take eiden's hand. fei du's are soft, and his grip is very gentle as he encloses it in his. ]
[ he shakes his head at first, because maybe if he chokes he'll wake up and it'll be a shitty dream.
every week he's been waking up to stare at the warehouse ceiling hoping it's just one long-form nightmare he keeps having. instead, he's here and he's trying to take in a breath, but it's shuddering and short. another, this time a little longer. so when fei du offers to breathe with him, he looks him in the eye for a moment and then looks down with a quiet nod. ]
Trying...
[ and he will do his best to gather himself up, and he will breathe with him, shifting to hold his hands carefully. his own shake, but it's fine. this is all fine. everything is fine. ]
Just kind of wish these things had some kind of fuckin' natural predator... hah...
but really though. the choke especially makes him sure of it, and he can see the way eiden is trying to talk around it, make a light joke of it. he'd avoid it too, but fei du has a masterclass in avoiding talking about anything related to himself, ever, and right now he won't let eiden do it. he just holds his shaking hands, strokes a thumb over the top of his fingers, and breathes. four counts in, four counts out. ]
Close your eyes and pull something good from that memory. Something you enjoyed. Keep it in your head.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
stop. a spark jitters across his knuckles, away from shenhe the duck, who bites his hand very suddenly and snaps him out of it, visibly.
he stares for a second, trying to process. ]
... Yes.
[ he says, slowly. to the last question. ] He was mine, for a very short time.
no subject
he gives him the time to process, a sort of sacred silence for him before he speaks. ]
You protected him... [ he did what he could, he rescued yiguo, and even though he was forced to enact cruelty just like his father, made to survive, to sink or swim, to breathe at the cost of another living thing... ] Fei Du... I hope you see... that that's something your father can't take away from you. That defiance, I... [ the way he holds the small baby duck now, the way he'd even held eiden's shoulder by the lake. he curls his fingers into his palms... he wants to say more.
but then there's another memory and when this happens, by the end of it, there are tears in eiden's eyes, his hands loose by his sides as he has to witness yakumo nearly being taken again...
(why couldn't it have been me? why?) ]
no subject
fei du doesn't show it, though. his only reaction is his lips pressed together in a thin line, and he gives a brief nod, looking for all the world like he might bolt.
on one hand, the memshare dissolves all of those feelings entirely, so that's good. on the other hand - it's horrible, especially in the context of last week. he watches the cult with indifference, but when he sees yakumo, he has a bad idea of where it might be going, and when it goes exactly where he thinks, he has to close his eyes briefly as the memory ends.
... but afterwards, he reaches out first, and this time catches his shoulder to squeeze it, tight. i'm right here, if nonverbal. ]
no subject
he swears he can smell it all on the air too. the blood, wrong. instead he just swallows, his fingers twitching just a little bit as the memory finally ends and eiden is left wishing he could still see into the dark, the writhing mass of yakumo's essence like salvation.
he just shakes his head a little. ]
Sorry.
[ the pig did it, you clown.
but this isn't about the pig. because it does feel like a knife just ripping open your skull and foisting whatever is there onto other people. ]
no subject
when he apologizes is when fei du does move. he reaches out, and after a moment, will very gently take eiden's hand. fei du's are soft, and his grip is very gentle as he encloses it in his. ]
Take a deep breath with me.
no subject
every week he's been waking up to stare at the warehouse ceiling hoping it's just one long-form nightmare he keeps having. instead, he's here and he's trying to take in a breath, but it's shuddering and short. another, this time a little longer. so when fei du offers to breathe with him, he looks him in the eye for a moment and then looks down with a quiet nod. ]
Trying...
[ and he will do his best to gather himself up, and he will breathe with him, shifting to hold his hands carefully. his own shake, but it's fine. this is all fine. everything is fine. ]
Just kind of wish these things had some kind of fuckin' natural predator... hah...
[ god he feels sick. ]
no subject
[ wow
but really though. the choke especially makes him sure of it, and he can see the way eiden is trying to talk around it, make a light joke of it. he'd avoid it too, but fei du has a masterclass in avoiding talking about anything related to himself, ever, and right now he won't let eiden do it. he just holds his shaking hands, strokes a thumb over the top of his fingers, and breathes. four counts in, four counts out. ]
Close your eyes and pull something good from that memory. Something you enjoyed. Keep it in your head.