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- 💎 3
Comment: and then he said I drew a line on his forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Description: unless stated all icons by me!
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- 💎 1
Comment: i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"
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- 💎 2
Comment: i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section.
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- 💎 4
Comment: I remember going home with 2 guys. Woke up with 4.
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- 💎 5
Comment: I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed.
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- 💎 6
Comment: Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money
Description: in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more.
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- 💎 7
Comment: so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
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- 💎 8
Comment: Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true.
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- 💎 9
Comment: I thought it was weird that his dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him.
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- 💎 10
Comment: I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
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- 💎 11 | @limeade
Comment: my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.
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- 💎 12 | @limeade
Comment: At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
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- 💎 13 | @limeade
Comment: Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
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- 💎 14 | @limeade
Comment: Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
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- 💎 15 | @limeade
Comment: This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
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- 💎 16 | @limeade
Comment: My boyfriend went down on me and as he did he hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber.
Description: I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow.
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- 💎 17 | @limeade
Comment: i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love.
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- 💎 18 | @limeade
Comment: So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HIM!!!
Description: .....yeah kinda akward.
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- 💎 19 | @limeade
Comment: Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other
Description: our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade.
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- 💎 20 | @limeade
Comment: im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test.
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- 💎 21 | @limeade
Comment: First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad boyfriend.
Description: Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down.
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- 💎 22 | @limeade
Comment: so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president.
Description: Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
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- 💎 23 | @limeade
Comment: seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks.
Description: you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
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- 💎 24 | @limeade
Comment: hey this is eiden, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands.
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- 💎 25 | @limeade
Comment: Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him.
Description: I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
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- 💎 26 | @limeade
Comment: The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
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- 💎 27
Comment: he gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so he walked out totally naked—
Description: and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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- 💎 28
Comment: I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Description: Guess she heard her killer coming.
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- 💎 29
Comment: OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
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- 💎 30
Comment: You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
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- 💎 31
Comment: in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"
Description: ... im gonna marry him
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- 💎 32
Comment: I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet.
Description: And I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building.
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- 💎 33
Comment: My mom just walked in on me and my boyfriend about to have sex.
Description: All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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- 💎 34
Comment: the guy i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me,
Description: and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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- 💎 35
Comment: awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
Description: you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
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- 💎 36
Comment: He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
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- 💎 37
Comment: wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
Description: IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
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- 💎 38
Comment: so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero.
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- 💎 39
Comment: The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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- 💎 40
Comment: I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting.
Description: Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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- 💎 41
Comment: o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket.
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- 💎 42
Comment: Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
Description: I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
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- 💎 43
Comment: I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under
Description: and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
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- 💎 44
Comment: i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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- 💎 45
Comment: theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and
Description: a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it.
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- 💎 46
Comment: after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient
Description: typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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- 💎 47
Comment: my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
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- 💎 48
Comment: I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex,
Description: and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
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- 💎 49
Comment: Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I've been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger.
Description: I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
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- 💎 50
Comment: I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate.
Description: Today is going to be epic.