[ eiden is peeking into where fei du is listening to that particular song from before. he can't help but be a little nosy. topper peers up from his jacket and he kind of knocks on the wall even if the ikea's sort of a free-for-all. ]
the song continues for a moment as fei du snaps out of whatever he was doing with the knock, glancing over at the young man who interrupts - he gives him just a brief once over, and then offers a crooked smile. ]
I thought something uplifting might be good, considering the circumstances.
[ well, wherever fei du is enjoying the park, eiden is not too far, scribbing on a long strip of receipt paper with an empty mcdonald's coffee cup next to him. he seems? to be looking up on occasion and squinting before looking back down again and drawing a little more? meanwhile, topper is rubbing himself in all the grass and clover because it's Nature and he's a stoat.
[ he's here. he's vibing! thriving. he's playing patapon, actually, tapping away at his psp. when eiden addresses him, though, he pauses, and glances at the receipt, then at eiden's hand.
and then smiles, beatific. innocent. an angel. ] Are you asking for a kiss, Eiden? [ don't ]
after all of that, fei du can be found innnn the ikea. he's sitting in a chair tucked away a bit, a green jacket slung around his shoulders, and most importantly, there's very soft music playing from his phone that's sitting on his lap.
his eyes are closed, but, at least it doesn't look like he's asleep or anything! ]
[ happy monday! fei du is dressed down a bit, and looking through the museum! it's kind of nice, actually - the vibes here are wonderful - and he can be found holding a cup of coffee in one hand and admiring a painting with marked interest.
when he hears echoey footsteps, though, he glances over his shoulder and offers eiden a smile. ] I wondered if I might find you here - good morning, Eiden.
[ eiden is dressed in his little ikea outfit from last week while his other clothes are drip drying back at the warehouse. he's got a coffee in his own hands, topper scarfed around his neck as he offers fei du a smile. ]
Been a while since I last went to a museum, gotta revisit the classics.
[ it's a history museum even, which... well, he was hoping to maybe find some answers and instead he's just confused, so he's. decided to simply enjoy it. ]
This one... [ he turns and has a look and his eyebrows tick up ] It's The Death of Socrates.
[ eiden is here in the park with his hands resting on his stomach and his eyes gazing upwards at the leaves on the tree overhead. there's some music playing, mostly like a dull lo-fi that he's kind of bobbing his foot up and down too as he leans up against the tree trunk. around him, there are some small little circles of light, just two or three, glowing softly.
in between his hands, he just plays with one quietly, turning it over in his fingers. ]
the lights, the lofi, the reclining eiden... fei du sees it and leaves it be for a little while, but eventually, he'll make his way over - and when it seems like he's reached a moment that might be safe to interrupt, he doesn't make any effort to really hide his presence, instead calling out, softly; ] Everything alright, Eiden?
[ cathedral or museum, take your pick. regardless, eiden has sat down somewhere, slumped in a corner with his sketch book, just quietly working away at it. topper is curled around his neck just dozing. when he hears the sound of someone nearby, he lifts his head and nods. ]
Hey. [ giving a small wave with his fingers. ] Talk about a bullshit case...
around. nebulously. he's just kind of sitting on a bench in the park, holding a cup of coffee in his hands. a spark occasionally flickers around his fingers. he's like disassociating still a little bit but hello ]
[ he can't act like he didn't see fei du visibly jolt so like. he's not gonna be shy. eiden sits down beside him carefully, topper just a sleepy little bulge in his jacket. ]
[ doot doot we are in the library where nerds live. but also eiden is here with a stack of books that he's just kind of flipping through casually. there's no commitment here, just a little boredom at first. there's no topper in the library today because he's too busy enjoying his second home, the outer park.
however, as he's moving to go and toss some books back on the shelf (wherever they belong because he's a good doobie) he stops when he sees the back of a familiar head and leans over his shoulder. ]
fei du is here! he's sitting in a chair, relaxed, with his nose in this book. bleak. despite the topic his emotions are perfectly stable.
when eiden leans over his shoulder, he jumps - his emotions go !!, surprised, then flustered, and then realizing, and he shoves them all down under some kind of god only knows what barrier and then puts his hand to his heart. ]
Eiden, you scared me. Have you considered wearing a bell?
[ going to just. try and find wherever this clown is after he's been fucking stomped on by luo wenzhou's healing cat i guess! it's not a mg if sisi doesn't go on cyoa w1 or 2 damb. first though, he does text: ]
[ fei du is curled up in a reading nook on a couch - clean, now, changed into a pair of pajamas. the ugly bruises around his throat are still clearly visible, but he's no longer covered up in yolk or blood. he still looks like, paper white, though, and seems a little further away than usual. his emotions are pretty silent, for the most part. ]
fei du's in the library, today - he's sitting at a table with paper in front of him, neat handwriting listing out a couple of investigation locations, writing. his emotions are still just... a void, and he's pale, but otherwise composed.
when he spots eiden, he looks up, and his brows knit together. ]
[ this is the most awake i have fucking felt all goddamn week i hate this. eiden hates this too. he's so fucking torn up about this because what the ever-loving fuck!! what the fuck!!! anyways we're back at the library and this time i won't fall asleep at my keyboard. he's just like dead inside. there's nothing here to feel.
so he just sits across from wherever fei du is seated, just... tired. and leans back into the chair. he doesn't know what he wants to say yet. or if he can say anything. but it's startlingly quiet in his emotions, like a dark hole. he needs a minute before he finally looks at him. there's still nothing there. ]
[ this is fine. fei du's about the same! he's just sitting, holding the blue egg from before in his hands. his emotions are a void, but he can't exactly hide every part of it; there's a thin layer of something horribly sad underneath.
[ late sunday afternoon, after that nightmare, fei du is sitting in the library with a stack of white computer paper.
next to him are a pile of meticulously folded origami lilies, and he seems to be working on another one. his phone is playing quiet music next to him; you can probably guess what it is. ]
[ oh... hello. eiden is holding a bit of computer paper in hand too and for a minute it's like a much more toned down version of the spider-man meme because three people died today and the energy is low. ]
[ the vibes are rancid today!! you don't need emotionshare to know that!!!
fei du's sitting by the lake, after all of that. legs crossed, hands folded in his lap, staring off into the water. there's a notebook in his lap, and his phone is very, very softly playing the usual - you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains. ]
[ happy memshare week! fei du's just coming out to check on eiden after their text conversation this morning, impeccably dressed, and... holding a tiny baby duckling that's blue? anyway dont worry about that
out of nowhere a pig noise just RUNS BY at top speed. fucking pig noise.
and one second later, eiden is treated to a memory. ]
[ you're small - maybe five years old, and you went running around in the garden.
at least, you think that's what happened. this memory is fuzzy and hazy; the man, an enormous black shadow, seems to loom over you and you feel terror clutch at your heart. the man's voice is as soft as silk despite his presence, and he speaks to you from on high.
"Only dogs like to run around and play. Fei Du, are you a little dog?"
you feel a sense of confusion. the man takes your hand and pulls you along - somewhere - somewhere - and then, you remember. there's a puppy. it's tiny, so small it could fit in your tiny, tiny hand. it runs towards you, stumbling and faltering, freshly born, and you gently, hesitantly, hold out your hand. the puppy clumsily reaches, too, standing up on its hind paws and slapping its tiny paws into your hand. it sniffs, snuffles at your cold hand.
you feel warm, and you pet it, gently, with just your fingertip.
the man sighs. his voice, ice cold. "There's unhealthy blood flowing in this child. It must be corrected."
the puppy cries out, a sharp, terrified noise as the man picks it up. and then -
there are cold rings slid onto your fingers. a bundle of threads lead back from the rings and through a complex installation, and up, up to an ice cold ring of iron that's been buckled around your small neck. if the threads slacken a millimeter, then the iron band tightens a centimeter. if the threads go entirely slack, the collar clamps around your throat. your fingers twitch and you can't breathe - you are so tiny, and you can't breathe, and you desperately claw at the strings to try and pull on the threads, try to squeeze your fingers together and stretch out your arm and the band that's choking you, panicking you, loosens. slackens. you inhale, a sharp gasp straight down your windpipe, and start coughing, violently enough to wrack your shoulders.
the man laughs, satisfied. "You have to learn to breathe slowly. Clever. It seems there's no need for anyone to teach you. You've already learned how not to asphyxiate."
--
abruptly, the memory changes.
you're sitting in a chair. still tiny, and - your body is strapped into the chair, held down with clinically tied belts. you can't move anything but your fingers, the metal rings, the threads. you're in so much pain - you must have been on death's doorstep for an hour, now, your entire body ice cold, lightheaded, lungs burning, and throat aching. the metal of the iron ring cuts into your skin.
the man returns holding the very same puppy. this is reality. he places it in your other palm, and asks, soft: "Is it soft?"
the dog sniffs at your hand. it must know how terrified you are, because it immediately struggles to push at your hand, licking at your fingers, nuzzling. the man laughs again, soft, and asks, "Is it cute?
you hesitate, and then, you nod.
wrong answer.
the shackle around your neck tightens - you make a horrifying, rasping gasp as your windpipe is squeezed tighter, tighter by ice cold iron, and you subconsciously start squeezing your fingers together stop the pain stop it i can't breathe i need to breathe i can't breathe
the collar loosens loosens, and air, beautiful air fills your lungs, but in unison, the little dog lets out a mournful, pained cry, and with a start, you realize that your hand has closed in that motion around the dog's tiny, fragile neck. you let go - the threads go slack and the iron clamps and you're choking again and you start struggling and thrashing in the chair and -
your memory goes dark, there.
--
but it happens again.
sometimes it's a bird. sometimes it's a squirrel. sometimes it's a cat. a rabbit. it's an animal and your father places your hand around its neck in those iron rings and chokes you until your survival instinct makes your hand clamp to keep those strings taut so you don't die. once, he says to you, as soft and gentle as a kind father who teaches, when he has you put a tiny hamster in your palm, "What is life? This is life."
he wraps his hand around yours this time, and he squeezes - tighter, tighter, as the animal starts to let out the wails of a dying creature - you thrash against his hand and you can't breathe and you gasp, and the man with a voice like a father wraps his hand tighter around yours so you can't let go. the animal makes no more noises, lungs laminated under the pressure of two hands.
"This is death.
It isn’t at all as serious as in people’s exaggerations. The reason why they exaggerate it is that man is a social animal with very grave inherent weaknesses. On the one hand, he wants to improve his existence with the help of the community and of society. On the other hand, he can hardly control all kinds of bizarre evil urges and desires. Therefore he has to agree on mutually restrictive rules, for example ‘law’ and ‘public policy doctrine.’ The former is a contract with society. To guard against you privately going back on the agreement, there’s also the latter, making a person accept the brainwashing of the community’s values and willingly conform to the behavior of the majority. Having recognized this point, you have escaped the pattern of the majority."
you stopped listening halfway through and you start shaking your head, violently, desperately trying to get free, thrashing in the chair, as the animal's heartbeat slows to a stop in your hand. the man with a voice like your father - your father, he keeps talking.
"Do you want to see the truth about life and death again… What are you shaking your head for? Children ought to be modest. You have to repeatedly reinforce the things you’ve learned before they can become your own. Come, we’ll start again—”
--
the memory changes again. time passes, and you are fifteen years old.
after your mother dies, the police are occasionally around the fei estate. one in particular, a messy haired young man named tao ran takes a particular liking to you, and you find you like him too - he's kind, maybe the kindest person you've ever met, and you like him so much better than his partner, the sharp, angry, scowling luo wenzhou who, in your fifteen year old opinion, is an idiot.
tao ran's kindness, being his best quality, means that he rescues a kitten one day. it's tiny, an ugly thing with its head too big for its body and its eyes too big for its face. he can't keep it - he lives with his parents - and maybe fei du should watch over it for a little while. you reluctantly agreed. you feed it and give it water, you make sure it has litter, and you turn a blind eye to it, because you have to, because you've been trained, haven't you? disinterest. dislike. the kitten is an ugly thing that you hate.
the kitten is naturally clingy. it comes to cuddle. if you don't play with it, it screams and whines, throwing tantrums. you hate it, but you don't get rid of it. once, it hooks its claws in your nice pant leg and throws itself on the ground, flopping over and demanding attention - it scratches your leg and makes you bleed. your patience with this creature has snapped, and you stare down it, coldly, deliberating how you're going to give it away, and then you hear the sound of a car in the driveway.
the cold deliberation is gone in a second.
the minute you hear fei chengyu's keys in the door - he's home from a business trip - you grab the kitten. you pull a little too hard on its claws to free them from your leg, and you take it in your hand, and then you squeeze it in your hand and it lets out a weak cry and then you
you open a desk drawer, you put the cat in, and you shut the drawer, and then you stride out of the study calmly. your father regards you for a moment.
he walks past you, and he sees the cat food you bought, alongside the small food dish and the small litter box. the litter box is freshly cleaned, and there's no cat food in a bowl. fei chengyu turns his head to look at you.
"What pet have you been keeping?" he asks. ]
A cat. [ you say, absentminded. casual. you're barely fifteen and you're deft as you pull on what your father wants to see. ] That busy-body policeman gave it to me.
[ fei chengyu finally turns his head to look at you again, and his face lights up with great interest. you know that face. it makes you sick to your stomach. "The little cop knows how to amuse children. Where's the cat? Let me see it."
you look at him. (hold the mask in place.) and you let out a laugh, a strange, cold, humorless laugh, and then spread out your hands. on your palm, there are few white and orange cat hairs, tinged red with blood. blood on your fingertips, too. ] Here it is.
[ fei chengyu tilts his head, and then sighs. he calmly lectures you - buy another cat that's about the same and give it back to tao ran, getting closer to the police would be a benefit in the future, wouldn't it? and he doesn't ask. you listen without looking up, and your heart is pounding so hard you feel like you might be sick.
your father accepts it and waves you off to make a call, and when he does, you lift your hand and blow on the cat hairs soundlessly, so they stick to fei chengyu's perfect, flawless, clean suit, and fei chengyu doesn't notice. he leaves, satisfied with your behavior, his favorite work, his heir, and disappears into his office.
when the door shuts you finally exhale - your shoulders collapse and you turn on your heel, unnatural, stiff, and then hurry to the study and shut the door behind you, shaking out your sweaty palms, your shaking hands, and rush to the drawer. you open it, and the kitten stares at you, affronted but otherwise perfectly, perfectly alive. you can't pick it up, but you hold out a fingertip to it, and it nuzzles against your hand, and you're shaking so hard you have to kneel down in front of the drawers.
this is it. it's your first rebellion. your first deception. the first time you ever successfully lied to fei chengyu, because no one on this earth is omnipotent, and even a demon could be tricked by his own self confidence. you've learned. you saved this kitten's life. it's alive, you saved it's life, and now, your eviction of the cat from the apartment isn't disposal, but a rescue mission.
years later, you find yourself standing in luo wenzhou's living room, in your pajamas, and a fat, familiar cat with too big eyes who has grown into his too big head stares at you. he's orange and white and a little black and he puffs up his tail to challenge you - and then skitters away to hide under the couch, and you find yourself marveling a little at how strange life can really be. ]
[ somewhere in the middle of that memory, fei du himself stumbled. he's holding the tiny little blue duckling still, and almost instinctively, fei du has pulled it to his chest like he could protect it, hands flexing and breath shallow. the duckling just quacks and nuzzles against his chest.
he's left standing there, eyes a little wide, completely silent as it stops. ]
[ well that was absolutely not what he was fucking expecting this morning. as he witnesses this with such fucking intensity he forgets to breathe (he can't breathe) and there's so much that suddenly locks into place. pieces of a puzzle that were forced out of fei du because this place is a fucking nightmare
eiden fucking gives a long gaze at this stupid pig and the barrier that's surrounding them because this isn't over yet, which really sucks. hahaha. he watches though, as fei du holds this baby duckling whose name im gonna say he's already learned bc texts can be timey wimey.
but oh god man he's. he's really just looking at fei du, and it's not with pity or fear, or anything like that. he can put two and two together easily, he knows that cat belongs to his cop dad wenzhou... yiguo. ]
Fei Du? [ he doesn't know if he should move forward or not, frozen in place himself. ] Your father... [ he's a monster. there's really so many things you could call a man like that, but damn if monster at least can start it off. he's still got chills, he still feels like he can't breathe watching it.
and then softer: ] And that's Yiguo... you saved him as a kitten...?
[ he's here!! fei du is sitting, in the slightly distorted view. just briefly, eiden can see a distorted flash of the background behind him, which appears to be the kitchen of a mcdonalds...? ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wknd 0, friday
Interesting song choice.
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the song continues for a moment as fei du snaps out of whatever he was doing with the knock, glancing over at the young man who interrupts - he gives him just a brief once over, and then offers a crooked smile. ]
I thought something uplifting might be good, considering the circumstances.
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w0, monday
eventually: ]
Hey! Can you lift your chin a little?
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and then smiles, beatific. innocent. an angel. ] Are you asking for a kiss, Eiden? [ don't ]
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week 0 saturday
after all of that, fei du can be found innnn the ikea. he's sitting in a chair tucked away a bit, a green jacket slung around his shoulders, and most importantly, there's very soft music playing from his phone that's sitting on his lap.
his eyes are closed, but, at least it doesn't look like he's asleep or anything! ]
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You up? [ he says, very softly. just to be sure. ]
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w1, monday
when he hears echoey footsteps, though, he glances over his shoulder and offers eiden a smile. ] I wondered if I might find you here - good morning, Eiden.
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Been a while since I last went to a museum, gotta revisit the classics.
[ it's a history museum even, which... well, he was hoping to maybe find some answers and instead he's just confused, so he's. decided to simply enjoy it. ]
This one... [ he turns and has a look and his eyebrows tick up ] It's The Death of Socrates.
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w1, thursday pre-curfew
in between his hands, he just plays with one quietly, turning it over in his fingers. ]
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the lights, the lofi, the reclining eiden... fei du sees it and leaves it be for a little while, but eventually, he'll make his way over - and when it seems like he's reached a moment that might be safe to interrupt, he doesn't make any effort to really hide his presence, instead calling out, softly; ] Everything alright, Eiden?
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w1, saturday post-trial
Hey. [ giving a small wave with his fingers. ] Talk about a bullshit case...
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it's a fei du! he's coming out of the cathedral, at the moment - when he spots eiden, though, he comes over, matching the greeting with a nod. ]
Sometimes, the most obvious answer turns out to be the correct one. [ so. yeah. ] How are you feeling?
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wk 1, sun
around. nebulously. he's just kind of sitting on a bench in the park, holding a cup of coffee in his hands. a spark occasionally flickers around his fingers. he's like disassociating still a little bit but hello ]
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Hey... holding up?
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w2, monday
however, as he's moving to go and toss some books back on the shelf (wherever they belong because he's a good doobie) he stops when he sees the back of a familiar head and leans over his shoulder. ]
Whatcha doin'?
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fei du is here! he's sitting in a chair, relaxed, with his nose in this book. bleak. despite the topic his emotions are perfectly stable.
when eiden leans over his shoulder, he jumps - his emotions go !!, surprised, then flustered, and then realizing, and he shoves them all down under some kind of god only knows what barrier and then puts his hand to his heart. ]
Eiden, you scared me. Have you considered wearing a bell?
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w2, thursday post-twinkyoa
mind having a visitor for a bit?
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Sure. I'm in the library.
[ fei du is curled up in a reading nook on a couch - clean, now, changed into a pair of pajamas. the ugly bruises around his throat are still clearly visible, but he's no longer covered up in yolk or blood. he still looks like, paper white, though, and seems a little further away than usual. his emotions are pretty silent, for the most part. ]
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w2, friday
fei du's in the library, today - he's sitting at a table with paper in front of him, neat handwriting listing out a couple of investigation locations, writing. his emotions are still just... a void, and he's pale, but otherwise composed.
when he spots eiden, he looks up, and his brows knit together. ]
... Eiden. [ soft. ] How are you feeling?
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I'm okay.
[ he stays kind of a ways away. he adjusts his arms. ]
What're you doing?
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w2, saturday post-trial
so he just sits across from wherever fei du is seated, just... tired. and leans back into the chair. he doesn't know what he wants to say yet. or if he can say anything. but it's startlingly quiet in his emotions, like a dark hole. he needs a minute before he finally looks at him. there's still nothing there. ]
I don't know what I want to say.
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eventually: ]
You're welcome to scream at me, if you'd like.
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w2 sunday
next to him are a pile of meticulously folded origami lilies, and he seems to be working on another one. his phone is playing quiet music next to him; you can probably guess what it is. ]
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... Mind if I sit with you?
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w3 tuesday
a text message! ]
Eiden.
Meet me at vroom vroom?
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sure, that sounds pretty fun!!
be there soon
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w3, friday
fei du's sitting by the lake, after all of that. legs crossed, hands folded in his lap, staring off into the water. there's a notebook in his lap, and his phone is very, very softly playing the usual - you raise me up, so i can stand on mountains. ]
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eiden just kind of picks his way over to the lakeside. he's alone with no little passenger, which is usually how he visits fei du nowadays. ]
Hey... mind if I join you?
[ he knows the vibes are rancid. it's fine. ]
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w3, saturday.
I knew it wasn't
I'm sorry, Eiden.
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i hurt him so badly
just for for everyone to vote for us.
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20 minutes later
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w3, sunday (post-exec)
[ he's so normal rn ]
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[ zero hesitation!
and sure enough he'll be at top pate not fifteen minutes later, dressed in a button up, sleeves rolled to his elbows. ]
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w4, monday
out of nowhere a pig noise just RUNS BY at top speed. fucking pig noise.
and one second later, eiden is treated to a memory. ]
[ somewhere in the middle of that memory, fei du himself stumbled. he's holding the tiny little blue duckling still, and almost instinctively, fei du has pulled it to his chest like he could protect it, hands flexing and breath shallow. the duckling just quacks and nuzzles against his chest.
he's left standing there, eyes a little wide, completely silent as it stops. ]
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eiden fucking gives a long gaze at this stupid pig and the barrier that's surrounding them because this isn't over yet, which really sucks. hahaha. he watches though, as fei du holds this baby duckling whose name im gonna say he's already learned bc texts can be timey wimey.
but oh god man he's. he's really just looking at fei du, and it's not with pity or fear, or anything like that. he can put two and two together easily, he knows that cat belongs to
his cop dadwenzhou... yiguo. ]Fei Du? [ he doesn't know if he should move forward or not, frozen in place himself. ] Your father... [ he's a monster. there's really so many things you could call a man like that, but damn if monster at least can start it off. he's still got chills, he still feels like he can't breathe watching it.
and then softer: ] And that's Yiguo... you saved him as a kitten...?
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w4, wednesday post-party!
what has a bottom at the top?
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[ NO ]
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w7, monday
You around...?
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it starts out with just a voice, but: ]
Eiden. Looking for me?
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w7, wednesday 2 (back to the future)
Oh... man, finally. It's hard to get in touch with you all today...
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Better hard than not at all?
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