[ wenzhou should feel triumphant - shenhe was avenged, and they got answers for fei du. it isn't justice, but they have something here, some kind of victory. his rage hardened into cold fury, and his grief was a constant, constant stone in his chest, the heavy weight of having a heart and giving it to someone else.
he can still feel the parts of himself that he carved out to make room for fei du. they're raw, and he thinks, maybe, they always will be. even at the idea of getting him back.
loss is loss is loss.
he just looks tired when he spots eiden, but his steps speed up, as he makes a direct path for him.
immediately, he drags him into his arms and against his chest, a crushing hug that's half relief, half exhaustion, all grief again. ]
[ the hug is crushing and it's precisely what he's been looking for. something to knock the thing choking him up inside his chest. he clutches him so tightly now. standing on the tips of his toes, he just grips onto his back and buries his face in his chest. ]
[ his face buries itself into eiden's hair, and - that's where the guilt comes in, at least a twinge of it. because wenzhou... wenzhou barely remembers half the things about anyone else's cases. enough that he'll be going back over them, but his tunnel vision was so immediate that -
no. no, that's not what matters here. even if it was for points, even if it was to bring back the dead or to save worlds, they didn't have to let yakumo take the fall for killing shenhe. ]
Yeah. We'll - we'll figure out what happened to Qingqiu, keep thinking about it and watch the rankings. But...
Fei Du. Shenhe. Yakumo. Some kind of answers, at least.
[ they didn't have to do any of what they say. livio really just reminded eiden about what happened that trial, every moment he hated. it was wrong, all of it was wrong, wrong, wrong. he just sobs into his shoulder before he speaks, silencing himself for a little bit to hear him. ]
[ slowly, he rubs eiden's back, a slight rock to his body. side to side, steadying, grounding. he's getting used to the ways he can use to comfort his loved ones here. ]
... Shen Yuan. [ a huff. ] I knew he was an isekai, I just didn't know his actual name.
[ he just lets himself be rocked slowly and lets out another forced sob because everything hurts, it's like pulling barbed wire out of his chest. ]
Yeah... [ sniffles ] Just like me...
[ he just, eventually loosens his grip, just smoothing his palms up and down slowly. because everything is happening still and his heart is racing, he's reliving this trial and the last and he.
[ a part of him is still stuck in the moment, oscillating between anger at them trying to get away with another murder, grief over losing fei du, and the knowledge that he was about to condemn another child to death. ]
I'll get some alcohol to pour out for him, like he asked. Can't do much for the car.
[ rueful joking, but. he holds eiden's arms and squeezes. ]
Genius? I feel like a fucking crazy person, and probably looked like it in front of all of them for being so stuck on ice cream being fake until Haru leaned against the restraints of the rulebook. [ god ] I bet that's their team psych at play.
[ eiden just gazes at him and holds onto his arms tightly too. goddamn. goddamn. ]
I've got four dollars with his name on it. Didn't get to transfer them to him... [ god ] We could use it for some booze.
[ he listens to the rest of it, wenzhou did sound like an insane person, but the more eiden thinks about it, how they were clamoring that it was ice cream, swerving to something stupid. the sheer amount of it.
there's no way. ]
If that's the case... how the hell do we combat a psych like that?
[ his heart is just. thumping so hard it might just explode out of his chest. he just clings onto him and tries to breathe. it's two of them a piece for their teams now, and if one of them goes... the other goes too. ]
Buy three bottles of wine and a toy Lamborghini. We'll burn them tomorrow for him.
[ it's a playful joke, melancholic as it is, dark as the world is, but he also means it. some remembrance to the dead.
but -
he didn't listen to fei du complain about not having ice cream for weeks, that froyo was a poor substitute, that milkshakes weren't quite right, for him to not fixate on the fucking stain. ]
It was for points. Points to bring people back, for worlds to be safe. I get it, but - they let Yakumo take the fall for Shenhe. They took Shenhe and didn't own up to the fact, and then tried to pull the same stunt that landed Hot Mess where it did.
[ and he could think about it more. he could try to rationalize that they'll be down to two, tomorrow, unless they wipe each other out like BDSM was. but his focus goes to eiden immediately, a second sense, and - ]
Eiden, darling, you have to breathe. Steady, steady.
[ it's a joke, but it seems fitting enough, eiden will take it seriously anyways. wine for fei du. wine for insufferable shen qingqiu. he'll bring other offerings. ]
Shenhe and Yakumo... Fei Du and Shen Qingqiu... I don't regret anything. Not how I voted, not how we managed to play the game today. It was terrible, but we had to do it. It couldn't go on. Lying to our faces every day, every day, for stupid points.
[ fukuzawa... zelda... someone else tomorrow. he can't breathe and wenzhou is right there. he's gritting his teeth, trying not to bite his tongue as he digs his fingers in. he doesn't know how to get rid of this kind of pain or anger. not since he was little—something oinks in the bushes of the void:
You find yourself in one fight, and then another. One kid dares to say that your attitude is the reason you'll never be adopted, word for word. In a fit of rage, you pummel his nose with your tiny fists and forcefully push him into the sandbox. Tears stream down your face as you cram as many gritty granules as possible into the kid's mouth. There are some inquiring parents nearby, playing with another child, and they murmur to each other while looking in your direction.
You end up in the corner of the director's office, with band-aids falling off your hands and knees and a trickle of blood from your nose. This is your corner, you own it, and you're the only one ever there, or so it feels.
You're consumed by anger.
You're plagued by frustration and sadness.
And you feel utterly alone.
-
"Eiden..." the director then says softly. "Do you believe there's a way to overcome your unhappiness?"
-
“I'm always going to have times when I feel down, but that's only going to push me to work even harder to find happiness. So I don't really need to eliminate those feelings of unhappiness... I just have to try to create even more feelings of happiness and make each day better than the last..."
he just sobs, fingers trembling.. ]
I'm breathing. I'm okay. I'm here... I...
I keep thinking about Shen Qingqiu. Someone bashed his head in. From behind. It was all over my hand... the glove... I could still feel it.
[ it was weird, slick, terrible. the inward press of bone, the sickening realization something was wrong. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
wk 4; saturday
he can still feel the parts of himself that he carved out to make room for fei du. they're raw, and he thinks, maybe, they always will be. even at the idea of getting him back.
loss is loss is loss.
he just looks tired when he spots eiden, but his steps speed up, as he makes a direct path for him.
immediately, he drags him into his arms and against his chest, a crushing hug that's half relief, half exhaustion, all grief again. ]
We did it.
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We did it. For Fei Du. For Shenhe and Yakumo.
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no. no, that's not what matters here. even if it was for points, even if it was to bring back the dead or to save worlds, they didn't have to let yakumo take the fall for killing shenhe. ]
Yeah. We'll - we'll figure out what happened to Qingqiu, keep thinking about it and watch the rankings. But...
Fei Du. Shenhe. Yakumo. Some kind of answers, at least.
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Yuan...
[ softly: ] Shen Yuan...
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... Shen Yuan. [ a huff. ] I knew he was an isekai, I just didn't know his actual name.
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Yeah... [ sniffles ] Just like me...
[ he just, eventually loosens his grip, just smoothing his palms up and down slowly. because everything is happening still and his heart is racing, he's reliving this trial and the last and he.
he has to breath for a second. ]
That was so insanely close.
The ice cream... Wenzhou you genius...
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I'll get some alcohol to pour out for him, like he asked. Can't do much for the car.
[ rueful joking, but. he holds eiden's arms and squeezes. ]
Genius? I feel like a fucking crazy person, and probably looked like it in front of all of them for being so stuck on ice cream being fake until Haru leaned against the restraints of the rulebook. [ god ] I bet that's their team psych at play.
no subject
I've got four dollars with his name on it. Didn't get to transfer them to him... [ god ] We could use it for some booze.
[ he listens to the rest of it, wenzhou did sound like an insane person, but the more eiden thinks about it, how they were clamoring that it was ice cream, swerving to something stupid. the sheer amount of it.
there's no way. ]
If that's the case... how the hell do we combat a psych like that?
[ his heart is just. thumping so hard it might just explode out of his chest. he just clings onto him and tries to breathe. it's two of them a piece for their teams now, and if one of them goes... the other goes too. ]
Wenzhou...
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[ it's a playful joke, melancholic as it is, dark as the world is, but he also means it. some remembrance to the dead.
but -
he didn't listen to fei du complain about not having ice cream for weeks, that froyo was a poor substitute, that milkshakes weren't quite right, for him to not fixate on the fucking stain. ]
It was for points. Points to bring people back, for worlds to be safe. I get it, but - they let Yakumo take the fall for Shenhe. They took Shenhe and didn't own up to the fact, and then tried to pull the same stunt that landed Hot Mess where it did.
[ and he could think about it more. he could try to rationalize that they'll be down to two, tomorrow, unless they wipe each other out like BDSM was. but his focus goes to eiden immediately, a second sense, and - ]
Eiden, darling, you have to breathe. Steady, steady.
no subject
[ it's a joke, but it seems fitting enough, eiden will take it seriously anyways. wine for fei du. wine for insufferable shen qingqiu. he'll bring other offerings. ]
Shenhe and Yakumo... Fei Du and Shen Qingqiu... I don't regret anything. Not how I voted, not how we managed to play the game today. It was terrible, but we had to do it. It couldn't go on. Lying to our faces every day, every day, for stupid points.
[ fukuzawa... zelda... someone else tomorrow. he can't breathe and wenzhou is right there. he's gritting his teeth, trying not to bite his tongue as he digs his fingers in. he doesn't know how to get rid of this kind of pain or anger. not since he was little—something oinks in the bushes of the void: he just sobs, fingers trembling.. ]
I'm breathing. I'm okay. I'm here... I...
I keep thinking about Shen Qingqiu. Someone bashed his head in. From behind. It was all over my hand... the glove... I could still feel it.
[ it was weird, slick, terrible. the inward press of bone, the sickening realization something was wrong. ]