Comment: i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"

Comment: I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

Comment: He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Comment: Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

Comment: A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Comment: Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence.

Comment: I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

Comment: I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second,

Comment: He is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love.

Comment: He eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

Comment: This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends.

Comment: The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

Comment: my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests.

Comment: He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

Comment: im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies.

Comment: He helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

Comment: having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things.

Comment: I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

Comment: I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

Comment: you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

Comment: Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa.

Comment: At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

Comment: my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg.

Comment: you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

Comment: Redeem this text for a blowjob.

Comment: You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick,

Comment: his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning.

Comment: He woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep.

Comment: Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

Comment: My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

Comment: he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

Comment: They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

Comment: Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

Comment: Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing,

Comment: weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.

Comment: is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

Comment: I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

Comment: he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them.

Comment: i knew i liked him after he chugged tequila, fell down the stairs

Comment: The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Comment: When asked if I spit or swallow, I replied "I never learned how to spit"

Comment: omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Comment: Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

Comment: Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Comment: All he gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can he expect me to eat raw toast?

Comment: Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy.

Comment: While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

Comment: thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

Comment: Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England.

Comment: we're chasing vodka with high fives.