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silicone. We can notify you when this account uploads a new one.
Upload Order | Keyword Order
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- 💎 236
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- 💎 237
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- 💎 238
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- 💎 239
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- 💎 24 | @limeade
Comment: hey this is eiden, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands.
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- 💎 240
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- 💎 25 | @limeade
Comment: Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him.
Description: I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
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- 💎 26 | @limeade
Comment: The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
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- 💎 27
Comment: he gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so he walked out totally naked—
Description: and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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- 💎 28
Comment: I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Description: Guess she heard her killer coming.
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- 💎 29
Comment: OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
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- 💎 3
Comment: and then he said I drew a line on his forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Description: unless stated all icons by me!
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- 💎 30
Comment: You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
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- 💎 31
Comment: in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"
Description: ... im gonna marry him
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- 💎 32
Comment: I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet.
Description: And I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building.
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- 💎 33
Comment: My mom just walked in on me and my boyfriend about to have sex.
Description: All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
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- 💎 34
Comment: the guy i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me,
Description: and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
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- 💎 35
Comment: awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
Description: you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
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- 💎 36
Comment: He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
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- 💎 37
Comment: wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
Description: IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
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- 💎 38
Comment: so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero.
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- 💎 39
Comment: The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
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- 💎 4
Comment: I remember going home with 2 guys. Woke up with 4.
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- 💎 40
Comment: I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting.
Description: Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
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- 💎 41
Comment: o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket.
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- 💎 42
Comment: Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
Description: I'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
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- 💎 43
Comment: I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under
Description: and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
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- 💎 44
Comment: i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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- 💎 45
Comment: theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and
Description: a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it.
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- 💎 46
Comment: after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient
Description: typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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- 💎 47
Comment: my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
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- 💎 48
Comment: I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex,
Description: and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
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- 💎 49
Comment: Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I've been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger.
Description: I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
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- 💎 5
Comment: I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed.
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- 💎 50
Comment: I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate.
Description: Today is going to be epic.
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- 💎 51
Comment: Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
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- 💎 52
Comment: How do you jack off and text at the same time?
Description: On my iPhone they have an app for that
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- 💎 53
Comment: why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
Description: you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
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- 💎 54
Comment: I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
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- 💎 55
Comment: We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him
Description: playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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- 💎 56
Comment: I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood.
Description: Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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- 💎 57
Comment: also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now.
Description: hint: i am.
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- 💎 58
Comment: i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right.
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- 💎 59
Comment: Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head,
Description: going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
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- 💎 6
Comment: Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money
Description: in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more.
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- 💎 60
Comment: You act like I was drinking alone...
Description: I had the entire Verizon network with me.
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- 💎 61
Comment: You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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- 💎 62
Comment: I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
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- 💎 63
Comment: Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my bag this morning.
Description: Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
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- 💎 64
Comment: Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.