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Keywords:
- 💎 51
Comment: Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
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- 💎 52
Comment: How do you jack off and text at the same time?
Description: On my iPhone they have an app for that
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- 💎 53
Comment: why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
Description: you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
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- 💎 54
Comment: I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
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- 💎 55
Comment: We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him
Description: playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
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- 💎 56
Comment: I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood.
Description: Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
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- 💎 57
Comment: also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now.
Description: hint: i am.
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- 💎 58
Comment: i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right.
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- 💎 59
Comment: Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head,
Description: going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
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- 💎 60
Comment: You act like I was drinking alone...
Description: I had the entire Verizon network with me.
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- 💎 61
Comment: You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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- 💎 62
Comment: I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
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- 💎 63
Comment: Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my bag this morning.
Description: Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
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- 💎 64
Comment: Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
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- 💎 65
Comment: A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
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- 💎 66
Comment: my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
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- 💎 67
Comment: After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest.
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- 💎 68
Comment: Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
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- 💎 69
Comment: Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
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- 💎 70
Comment: Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
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- 💎 71
Comment: Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
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- 💎 72
Comment: U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
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- 💎 73
Comment: I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
Keywords:
- 💎 74
Comment: Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love.
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- 💎 75
Comment: i just heard him through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!"
Description: then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Keywords:
- 💎 76
Comment: He swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Keywords:
- 💎 77
Comment: I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
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- 💎 78
Comment: I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
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- 💎 79
Comment: I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
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- 💎 80
Comment: One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts,
Description: must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
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- 💎 81
Comment: i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored.
Description: she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
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- 💎 82
Comment: I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti.
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- 💎 83
Comment: It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested,
Description: and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers.
Keywords:
- 💎 84
Comment: Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
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- 💎 85
Comment: so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your brother.
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- 💎 86
Comment: Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal.
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- 💎 87
Comment: Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom.
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- 💎 88
Comment: I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
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- 💎 89
Comment: i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall.
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- 💎 90
Comment: dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat.
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- 💎 91
Comment: you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week
Description: so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it.
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- 💎 92
Comment: i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice boys finish first. twice.
Keywords:
- 💎 93
Comment: I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
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- 💎 94
Comment: all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed.
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- 💎 95
Comment: I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
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- 💎 96
Comment: I woke up to a topless guy handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
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- 💎 97
Comment: Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
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- 💎 98
Comment: we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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- 💎 99
Comment: he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride.
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- 💎 100
Comment: He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.